Testimonials & Reflections

My walk of faith started as a child. My dad had me study the Baltimore Catechism and we rarely missed Sunday Mass. I have always believed in God. And, I have always sought God.

It so happened that alcoholism runs in my family (I have six brothers and sisters and four have had issues). This is not very uncommon with Irish heritage.

I started drinking when I was fifteen years old. My first drunk ended up in a black out and alcohol poisoning. I will never forget that day. That was the year 1982.

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I had been a successful businessman for 30 years starting as a field engineer in the electronics manufacturing industry and then rising to sales manager to vice president to president.

It started as a family company. But that was a bug, not a feature. A lot of drama and a lot of trauma. It taught me a lot of lessons. Finally, I was able to escape and came out of it okay.

The company grew and then we hit a meteoric streak. Our sales quadrupled. But there is always a fine line in business. If you do a poor job, you lose. Sometimes, even if you do too good a job you lose as well. Business can be a tightrope and I had been walking that tightrope for 30 years.

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Without your guidance, O Saint Dymphna
I would surely be alone
with the disease that plagues me
You give me comfort
You give me hope
You help me see the truth
That I have self-worth
And there is help for me
There is no shame in my condition
And for all who seek compassion
There should be greater understanding
Through all your inspiration
For those of us with mental illness
Must find the self-esteem
To rid the world of stigma
And be the best we can be.

Pray and Believe

​When darkness surrounds you like a storm
And you feel alone and worn
When the sky turns all gray
And you can’t find your way
When your heart is weary
Filled with grief and dismay
Do with diligence and sincerity
Seek the Lord and pray
With believing the clouds will break away
Sun begin to shine
And brighten up the day
Miracles do happen
This message to you I leave
Don’t give up on God’s answer
Only pray and believe

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Everything changed that day. I have grappled with my mental illness all of my life, but the struggle ended when I no longer felt like fighting. I quit being me that day – walked out on myself and moved on.

Since then I have lived with emptiness in my heart. I know that I just don’t have the strength to fight anymore, that the person I used to be is no more, and that the illness will not go away. I am deeply sorry that the spirit for life I used to possess has been so tarnished. I wish I could change that.

So now I wonder what path I should take. Going back to who I used to be is not possible. I can’t fight against the illness anymore because I now know that it is part of me, and one cannot fight against oneself.

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Many people seem to consider depression as feeling excessive sadness, or maybe as feeling deep and prolonged sadness without an appropriate reason. As someone who has chronic major depression, I can attest to the overwhelming and persistent sadness that depression brings.

However, sadness is not really what depression is like for me. More than anything else I live with an almost complete loss of spirit. Depression creates in me the conviction of not caring anymore, defeatism. There are feelings of worthlessness and unworthiness, and being convinced that I am completely separate and apart from all others because I am not worth being cared for.

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